By Jane Pinel

As your little one explores his new world, he will necessarily fall down sometimes, or bump his head or hurt his hand. Of course if it is serious you will attend to it right away. But very often you will notice as soon as the bump happens, even while he is still on the floor, he will look at you before he starts to cry. This is to identify whether he should be really worried about what happened or not. If it’s not serious it is important that you answer his look with smiling reassurance, in the words of encouragement as you stand him on his feet again. Your reaction is teaching him how to respond.

As your toddler gets a little older he will find things he wants to accomplish, such as throwing and catching a ball, or trying a new ride on the playground. Once again, he will look to you for the confidence and belief in himself that he needs to keep trying if he doesn’t first succeed. An attitude by his parent of blame or punishment when he is trying to learn a new skill, can be devastating. However, there is a little wiggle room for you if you have had a bad day at work or you haven’t eaten for the last eight hours, but you must be positive, supportive, and let him know that you believe in him and his abilities whenever possible. For small child, their sense of confidence depends on who is caring for them and their experiences with success.  

By Jane Pinel

Confidence: A sense of power and control and the feeling of “I can do this”.

Humans are not solitary creatures. They need to feel like they are part of a group to feel safe. A new baby, totally helpless, if he is born into a family that is preoccupied with war or drugs or other things and no one answers his cry for food or comfort, he feels abandoned. But if a newborn baby cries and is comforted with food and a warm loving breast and a family who loves him, it starts to occur to him that his cries are bringing what he needs. He begins to feel the first sense of power and confidence in his own ability to survive. His cries are resulting in food, comfort and safety.

As your baby grows, you play and laugh and enjoy him. He begins to know that you are happy that he exists and gives you pleasure. He develops confidence and knows that he is in a safe environment.

In the next 12 months your baby will learn to use his hands to reach for things and hold his bottle. He will get strong enough to sit up on his own and eventually he will learn to take his first steps — a triumph of muscle coordination. With his new abilities and confidence he will set out to explore his world.

Now his life gets more complicated as he can reach things that are either dangerous or off limits for other reasons. Now you have to teach him the meaning of the word “no”. You must realize that you are the sun and the moon to this child. Your view of him is his view of himself. As you start to teach the meaning of the word “no”, punishment should not be part of this process. You must let him know you approved of him and believe in him but that he must learn the meaning of this new word and you know that he can do it.

Your child will need confidence to tackle the challenges of childhood. You can help him with this by letting him know you believe in his ability to succeed, and if he should have a failure you believe in his ability to get up and try again. Celebration of success is always more powerful than punishment for failure.

By Jane Pinel

As we enter the third year of the COVID-19 virus, having experienced record-breaking numbers of cases and record-breaking numbers of deaths, we need to watch for the impact on children. As a psychologist who grew up during the Great Depression, I know that children will be the ones who will suffer the most. The pandemic will be no different. 

Recently I was visiting on Zoom with my four-year-old great-grandson. He is living a good life with loving parents. As I watched him rambunctiously play, there was one word that described him. That word was confidence. His confidence at playing acrobatics with his dad or peekaboo with his brother was a delight to watch.

Confidence affects almost everything we do in life: making friends, getting a job, playing sports, proposing marriage, and more. I know, because my own confidence disappeared at the same age my little great-grandson is right now. 

I was born in 1926 to two loving parents who were educated and successful in business. I was the first baby in an extended family and was doted on, admired, and loved. The world seemed to revolve around me. When I was almost four years old, our lives were upended by the Crash of 1929. My dad lost his business and we had to move out of our house. Over the next few years we lived in several attics, while my parents struggled to get back on their feet during which time no one talked about it or explained it. I was bewildered.

After about five years they were on the road to recovery and we were back in our happy home. I had a great education, but it was always a mystery to me as to why I was so quiet, shy and unsure of myself. It was hard for me to make friends, I never stood up in class. Later, I was very bad at job interviews and always afraid of groups of people. At one point, I was teaching school and giving a report in the auditorium to an audience of other teachers. I felt like such an outsider and so alone as I stood there. 

I became curious as to when I first felt that way and why. I started going back through the years remembering the times that I had felt so isolated. I could remember each one clearly and then there would be another one even earlier. Finally I was back to the years that we spent in my aunt’s attic. I was sitting outside underneath a wisteria bush with its purple blossoms hanging over my head. I remember thinking everyone around me was very sad and that it must be because of me. Maybe I should not even be here and people would be happy again. The shock of change during the Depression completely shook my confidence in being welcome in the world and claiming my place in it. These effects may also depend on your age and stage of development.

There are so many families today who are worried about their jobs, putting food on the table, helping their children stay focused on school, keeping a roof over their heads and paying their bills. I fear that many children are wondering what happened, why are things different, why are my parents not smiling anymore, why are they not happy anymore? Is it me?

I have a few suggestions to offer families on how to navigate through this dynamic period.

1. Talk to your children. Explain in simple terms what’s happening and why you are a little sad and that it has nothing to do with them. This too will pass.

2. Be aware of personality changes in your children. Help children understand what they are feeling. There also may be changes in the family dynamics.

3. Find small jobs that children can do so they can feel part of the solution. Setting the table for supper, washing the dishes, taking out the trash, little things that help out. They will feel like they are contributing and the family is working together.

4. Try to find fun things you can do each day with them. Play a game, cook something together, share a joke. Have everyone share the best thing that happened that day and the worst thing that happened. Laugh a little. 

Children are resilient but their needs should not be overlooked.

_______________________

Jane Pinel has a M.A. in Counseling from the University of New Hampshire and B.A. in Psychology from Cornell University. She was the founder and publisher of Wellspring Magazine, which focused on the needs of children. She is retired and resides in Alexandria, Virginia.

I have been very busy throughout my life studying and promoting this subject of the needs and well-being of children. Most of my early years were spent acquiring both a bachelor’s and master’s degree in psychology, bringing up my own two children and teaching special education. 

Later I started my own magazine about the needs of children to distribute to all those who work with children: teachers, medical experts, recreational organizations, and parents. We had an advisory board of experts from across the country who supplied us with the latest information on a range of children’s issues.

Now, I have the opportunity of looking back and sifting through all of the information acquired over my 96 years — and thinking, lots of thinking about what makes sense in the lives of children. Each week I plan to share my thinking in a blog with you.

My first blog will be about confidence. Confidence is essential for everything we do from taking our first step to applying for college. Who has it, where do we get it, how do we encourage it in our children?

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