By Jane Pinel

Before continuing I would like to review the first few blogs that I wrote about confidence. First of all, confidence starts when a child is born, embraced, loved and accepted into the new family. He needs to know that he is a welcomed member of the tribe. It gives him confidence. Second, he begins to realize that if he cries he gets his needs met. If he cries he gets breast-fed or a bottle of warm milk. This is the first gleam of his awareness that he has power to help himself. Third, as he begins to walk and learn words he has even more power and that builds his confidence in being able to take action on his own behalf and his own survival.

Then he begins to learn about feelings. His parents have feelings and he has feeling. Feelings can be powerful. They cause action and reaction. Help your child to identify and share what he is feeling. Talk about what action he took, was it appropriate, is there an action that would have been better or worse. With help and guidance, a child can learn early on to accept his own feelings, good or bad, and respond appropriately in the action he takes. It may prevent any individual like the shooter at the Buffalo grocery store that’s in the news who in anger killed 10 people — gunned them down and in so doing extinguished not only those 10 lives but ruined his own life also.

Before we try to deal with the child who is enraged because his brother took away his toy while he was playing with it, we need to have established family values. For example, in our family we tell the truth, we don’t lie. In our family we listen to each other without interrupting, and when we feel anger we don’t hit or kick or otherwise hurt each other we try to solve our issues, with words and diplomacy, so that both sides are happy. This, of course, needs to apply to the adults as well as the children. This process requires time, practice and patience. Eventually it is rewarding when you see older siblings teaching younger ones to use the same methods that they have learned earlier. Always, you’re teaching a family value of loving and supporting each member of the family. A strong, supportive family is a bulwark against the indignities and challenges a child will face in the adult world long after he has left home.